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Home / Gossip / "I married a monster and thought he was a man" Nigerian woman recounts her domestic violence experience…

"I married a monster and thought he was a man" Nigerian woman recounts her domestic violence experience…

In a blogpost entitled: It Happened to Me, Eseosa recounts her
experience with domestic violence and how she finally picked up the
courage to walk away. Read below:

“It was NE who summarized my thoughts in a few words. I didn’t even know
that it was what I’d been thinking, but the minute he said it, it hit
straight home.

In 2016, I don’t know what is going on, if it’s more
publicity or more women speaking out but our men are cowardly and weak
and they are seriously misbehaving”.
I agreed. But it was while
lying down and watching TV with Aize Lee sitting on my head (he loves to
sit on my head; he probably thinks it’s his personal stool. Lol) did it
occur to me that this was a man stating the obvious. Not making
excuses, not justifying what cannot be justified and standing with them
in confused solidarity. Men like these are not many, I tell you. I
should know, it’s the first topic of discussion with male folks these
days.

When my marriage collapsed, that was when I realized that most women
were suffering in silence. It was amazing how confident women became to
share marital issues with me. It was strange. Now they can tell you the
shocking truths about their marriage. Previously, when I complained,
they’d tell me that all men were the same. I strongly disagreed; still
do. Mind you, I did not say men were perfect but they were not all the
same. There are good men and they are bad men. Wrong is wrong and right
is right, simple! Then they would utter some vague words and unsolicited
advice, majoring bordering on ‘bearing it’ and praying about it and
telling you to work on yourself. I have little patience for that these
days.  I usually just shut it down firmly. I don’t have time for
nonsense. No more. I took it for 2 years. But no more. Hug me instead if
you have nothing useful to say.

The last time I took such utterances lightly was at Iponri Police
station where I had gone to lay a complaint and ask for the arrest of
Imoh. I remember the woman. Leaning lazily over the counter, she had
this air of ‘I don’t care’ and threw condescending sideway looks at me
while I complained to another officer behind the counter. I punctuated
each complaint with tears. Imoh would have been shocked to see me cry. I
never let him see me cry; I never gave him that satisfaction. I
remained stoic through it all, defiant. I would break down and weep in
the bathroom when he was done hitting me but never in front of him. It
was not deliberate or a conscious action, I guess the essence of who I
was refused to bow down to him or allow him break me. How he had hated
that stoicism and dry eyes. Maybe I should have cried. Maybe that was my
offence but I digress.

After a particularly lengthy pause in which I sobbed while my friend
held my uncharacteristically quiet baby, she suddenly said, “My dear,
better go back and beg your husband. Tell him to forgive you and forget.
You are too young for divorce o. You don’t know what you are saying. Go
back and beg my friend. All you young girls sef!” I looked at Omos and
she looked at me. I asked “Am I also not too young to die?” “Na you know
that one. Go and beg him. You will not die”. I was shocked. I was
stunned. I was speechless. Me, a hyper, talkactive person just could not
remember any sound. “Ehn? What? This is the reason men beat their
wives! Is that what you’re telling me? You, a Police officer? How can
you tell me that? For what?” I walked out of the station, shaking with
anger and called the DPO.

Hmmmmm! Imoh had been right. He had said “if you like, go to the
Police. I will deny everything. Is it not money? Is it not money that
the Police want? Bring them. Go and call the police. All my friends beat
their wives; it’s not a big deal. The wives know not to do stuff that
will get them a beating. It is not a new thing. Stupid woman”. If the
Police ask you to go beg an abusive man, then what help is there really?
A police woman for that matter! Even as I write, I am still surprised.
What was I expecting though? Compassion or sympathy? Did I expect them
to swoop to the house and arrest him? Did I expect them to hug me and
ask if I was okay? Should they have asked to see my bruises and
injuries; old and new? What exactly did I expect them to do? In all
honesty, I don’t know. I have never been beaten before now so I don’t
know what I should have expected. I don’t know what I expected them to
do but I sure did not expect them to ask me to go beg a man who had just
beaten me till I passed out and continued hitting me as I laid on the
floor, still and unmoving. A man who after I was revived by a friend
brought a wire and wanted to flog me? The police asked me to go and beg
him.

So yes! There’s a lot more publicity, thank God. There are a lot more
women speaking out. A lot more people are involving themselves in
issues like this, helping the woman and giving her a voice. In some
cases, helping her find justice. For these, I am truly grateful. I am
aware that a lot of women have died. I could have died actually. He told
me he wanted to kill me; repeatedly and at different times! He’s
squeezed my neck so hard I couldn’t breathe and had bruises round my
neck. I thought I would when he shattered the glass window upstairs with
my head and blood poured all over me and Aize Lee whom I was carrying.
He was just 4 months old then. He’d gotten angry that he’d been punching
my head and that ‘it refused to break’. This my head! My head happily
blocked and covered my precious infant son when it realised that some
punches were falling on him too. Remembering Aize’s screams and the
blood all over him still brings tears to my eyes, even as I write this.
Oh, my golden, precious boy, I am so sorry! But die, I did not. God knew
the suffering that a motherless child passes through; I know because I
am one. He loves Aize Lee and I too much for that to happen.

I am aware that a lot of women are suffering same, not exactly sure
who to contact or what to do. I didn’t either. You are not supposed to
talk about these things. You are expected to stay silent; don’t let
people know your business or what goes on in your home. You are expected
to pray. A lot.  A lot of women who chose to exit these bondages and
have found life to be hard and unyielding. Some being asked, “na me say
make your husband dey beat you?’ A lot, begging for sustenance for
themselves and their children (in cases where the children were not
taken away from them). Too many! Sadly, too many!

It happened to me! I married a monster and I thought he was a man

Source: https://thisiseseosa.wordpress.com

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